Category Archives: Least Favorites

Five

  • Fifth try’s a charm
  • Five’s a crowd
  • Five to tango
  • Five faced
  • Dress to the fives
  • Cast the fifth stone
  • Double fives
  • Gone in five seconds
  • Five for the road
  • All in five pieces
  • Back to square five
  • Five birds with five stones
  • Working five to five
  • The only five for me
  • Five of a kind
  • It’s five a.m. I think I’m lonely
  • Getting the fifth degree
  • Love potion number 5
  • In fifth heaven
  • On cloud five
  • Those five little words
  • Five too many
  • Five is enough

Differences Between Crocodiles and Alligators

  • Alligators have rounded snouts
  • Crocodiles have longer snouts
  • Crocodiles tend to be more aggressive
  • Alligators are usually dark green or black
  • Crocodiles are larger, sometimes weighing up to 1000 pounds
  • Alligators, on average, weigh 500-700 pounds as adults
  • Crocodiles are usually longer too, about 4-6 feet extra
  • Alligators jaws close downward
  • Crocodiles jaws close from the bottom upwards
  • Crocodiles have sharper teeth
  • Alligators have rounded teeth
  • Alligators can live in colder climates
  • Alligators are much faster
  • Alligators will see you later
  • Crocodiles will see you after a while

How Job Hunting is Like Dating

  • In the beginning you’re choosy, but eventually you hand out resumes the same way men use Tinder: Swipe right on everything.
  • Your friends tell you their success stories so you start to believe you just might find the perfect match.
  • It’s all about the networking. But that’s exhausting.
  • Most of what you find isn’t even slightly attractive.
  • What looks good also looks out of your league.
  • Everything that seems interesting ignores you.
  • When anyone gives you the slightest bit of attention you get giddy, even when you can clearly see they are not right for you.
  • Meeting in person for the first time is nerve-wracking.
  • You buy new clothes for that first meeting, even though this is the first time you met so how would they know if the clothes are new or not but you do it anyway.
  • After your meet up all of your friends want the deets but really all you can say is “I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.”
  • After a couple weeks of radio silence you realize you’ve been ghosted.
  • Half the time you get 15 minutes into that first meeting and you think “Eh, is this really the best option I’ve got?”
  • In general, the process stinks.
Is Job-hunting like Dating? – JVS

Dating Sites That Should Exist

  • JustFriends.com – For the people who will never Define the Relationship
  • JustMemes.com – Match through memes
  • IDKMaybe.net – For people who aren’t sure yet if they are ready for a relationship
  • DamagedGoods.com – Must apply through a therapist who has worked with you through multiple life crises
  • ColdFeet.com – Accepting applicants who stay strong in a relationship right up until the time to make a commitment
  • FlirtWithMe.net – For outside-validation junkies, no requirement to ever reply
  • WeirdFlexBro.com – Profiles must include a minimum of three awkward brags
  • BeMyBlessing.org – For those who will over-spiritualize your meeting
  • TryingToPretendImOkay.com – People who will not let you know about their deepest problems until it is way too late
  • DeepConversations.net – People who will ONLY tell you their deepest problems as soon as you connect
  • CuffingSeason.org – Specializing in relationships designed to last October/ November through January
  • HippyDays.org – People born before 1970 who haven’t changed their hair or style since then
  • YesIAmFlippingYouOff.com – The people on this site are not surprised when you are flipping off the camera on your dating profile
  • NoRealPix.net – Profile must be made up exclusively of photos of your motorcycle, animal you’ve killed, memes, or food (Profiles containing only photographs of your children will be accepted on individual basis)
  • GuessWho.com – All photos include multiple people, at least one of whom is attractive and one of whom is not
  • NoD***Picks.com – Service automatically forwards any unsolicited photos to original poster’s mother / wife / sister / etc
Woman's Hilarious Captions on Classic Paintings Illustrate Just How  Frustrating Men Can Be

Things You Do NOT Need to Feel Guilty About Right Now

  • Feeling depressed or anxious
  • Being tired
  • Missing the people you used to hang out with
  • Seeing the people you used to hang out with
  • Clinging to your family
  • Not being able to spend time with your family
  • Sending your kids to school
  • Not sending your kids to school
  • Having a cheap face mask
  • Having the most expensive face mask that exists
  • Not having a job
  • Wishing you didn’t have a job
  • Loving your job
  • Hating work-from-home
  • Loving remote work
  • Fearing the uncertainty of the future
  • Being sad about the world around us
  • Being angry about the world around us
  • Being closed off from the world around us
  • Eating at home
  • Eating out
  • Picking up food to eat somewhere else
  • Going for walks/runs/jogs
  • Cocooning at home
  • Not being able to concentrate on reading
  • Reading more books than ever because you have nothing else to do
  • Being unproductive
  • Being so productive people around you complain
  • Sleeping late
  • Not sleeping well
  • Doing whatever it is that you need to do to survive or even thrive

Reasons This Winter Needs to Be Over

  • The Midwest has set multiple records for snow
  • My ice scraper has been used more than it should be
  • I have trash I haven’t taken out because it’s been too cold
  • Polar Vortex
  • Free days should be spent outside
  • Mountains of snow in parking lots
  • Parking spaces hidden under snow
  • Municipalities running out of road salt
  • Warm days are better