- (At age 2) “Put down that crowbar”
- “You’re the best kid ever. Except for Jesus.”
- “Don’t be on fire.”
- “Go chainsaw nine more people and see what happens.”
- “Call your dad and tell him he has to come home because I’m stuck to the carpet with a fishing hook.”
- “No, it’s not an umbrella. But it is a raincoat.”
- “Good thing you’ll be filming it when you light your friend on fire. That way they can use it as evidence at the trial.”
