Category Archives: Humor

Favorites, Geek, Humor, Movies, Quotes

Best Lines From the Classic Movie Independence Day (with Will Smith, Bill Pullman, Jeff Goldblum)

  • “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!
  • Forget the fat lady. You’re obsessed with the fat lady.
  • Well he – uh – just did.
  • I voted for the other guy.
  • You want to see my clearance? Maybe I’ll just leave this here with you.
  • We’re going to have to work on our communication.
  • The L.A.P.D. is asking Los Angelenos not to fire their guns at the visitor spacecraft. You may inadvertently trigger an interstellar war.
  • It’s the White House, for crying out loud. You can’t just go up and ring the doorbell.

 

Family, Humor, Memories

Things I Actually Said to My Son When He Was a Kid

  1. (At age 2) “Put down that crowbar”
  2. “You’re the best kid ever. Except for Jesus.”
  3. “Don’t be on fire.”
  4. “Go chainsaw nine more people and see what happens.”
  5. “Call your dad and tell him he has to come home because I’m stuck to the carpet with a fishing hook.”
  6. “No, it’s not an umbrella. But it is a raincoat.”
  7. “Good thing you’ll be filming it when you light your friend on fire. That way they can use it as evidence at the trial.”

Humor, Music

Things the Barenaked Ladies Would Buy You If They Had a Million Dollars

  • A house
  • Furniture for your house (a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)
  • A K-Car (a nice reliable automobile)
  • Your love
  • A tree fort
  • A little tiny fridge for the tree fort
  • Food like pre-wrapped sausages
  • A fur coat (but not a real fur coat)
  • An exotic pet (like a llama or an emu)
  • John Merrick’s remains
  • A limousine ride
  • Kraft dinner with really expensive ketchup
  • A green dress (but not a real green dress)
  • Art (a Picasso or a Garfunkel)
  • A monkey

Humor, Social Media

Advice to Men Designing Online Dating Profiles (From a woman also on online dating)

  • Smile. For Heaven’s sake, why do men think they look better without a smile.  Seriously. Smile.
  • Be yourself. We can tell when you are trying to say what you think we want to read.
  • Post a picture already.  Of yourself.  Not your dog, your motorcycle, your favorite team logo.
  • If you must include a grown woman in your photos, it better be your mother or daughter, and you must explain it.
  • Do NOT include any other grown women. At all.
    • Don’t mention her in your profile.
    • Don’t caption about her in a picture where we couldn’t even tell there was a woman.
    • Don’t post a picture with her clearly cropped out.
  • One serious picture is okay. The rest should include smiles.
  • If you are going to start the conversation, make it more than “Hi”.
  • Also “You are gorgeous” is not an acceptable opening line.
  • And “U R Cute” is not cute at all.
  • If the other person initiates the conversation, answer with more than 2 sentences.
  • If you want a conversation to continue, ask a question.
    • Not “how are you?”
    • Not “what u doing?”
  • Put some effort into your profile.
  • Did I mention SMILE?
Food, Humor

Stuff in My Refrigerator

  • 3 bags grated cheese
  • 1 box “place and bake” cookies — spring chick design
  • 1 “Freshly” chicken caponetta meal
  • 1 bag mini carrots
  • 2 cans Pillsbury Grands biscuits, expiration date Feb 22, 2017
  • 1 opened bottle Kraft Sweet Honey barbecue sauce, expired June 20, 2016
  • 1 bottle “Sierra Nevada Torpedo” leftover from a party last year
  • half a box of baking soda
  • 1 unopened can of Sanpellegrino Clemntine juice, expired July 17, 2016
  • 3 full and 1 partial sticks butter
  • 1 bottle spray butter
  • 1 barely used 2 liter bottle of Sprite Zero
  • a quarter jar of salsa
  • partial package tortillas, expired August 22, 2016
  • 1 bottle hydrive energy water
  • 1 jar minced garlic
Books, Food, Humor, Social Media, Survivor, Television, Travel

Things I Wonder

  • Is it better to dry my clothes on medium for a longer period of time, or high for a shorter period of time?
  • How do I use the keyless entry code on my car?
  • When will Raven find love?
  • Have Nick and Vanessa already broken up?
  • When does Bachelor In Paradise start?
  • What caused my ankles to suddenly swell a few months ago and to suddenly stop swelling a couple weeks ago?
  • What’s the name of a good dentist in town?
  • Who put the Ram in the Ramalama Dingdong?
  • Can a person live on citrus alone?
  • Can Sandra possibly win Survivor again?
  • Exactly how much does Alexa hear while sitting on the kitchen counter?
  • Why did Brad’s wife get fired from Cracker Barrel Old Country Store?
  • When will it officially be sandal weather?
  • What novel should I read next?
  • What is a good cheap beach where I can spend a few days?
Kam III beach on Maui